One of these days, muli' ku peuli'.
One of these days, kwan ku, "menunga meriklem."
One of these days, mekebiri' ku melunew bukid.
One of these days, pinekemekasi ku peuli'.
One of these days...

I feel like I am torn in two. My heart is in one place, but my physical body is in another.
I wish they would align, but it seems that is not to be the case.
I miss life the way it was, the way I wanted it to be.
We don't always get what we want though.
I guess that should be a sign.
Ani' ku ne.

Well, I am home. Finally. It took several plane rides to get here, but I am glad to not still be at school. I am super tired, but glad to be able to eat real food and hummus. Yes, hummus is great stuff--and not be found at Union. Anyway, I am home for the next few weeks or so. When I go back to school I start my EMT class so that should be exciting. Well, I am going to sleep tonight cause I haven't really gotten much in the way of sleep in the past few weeks, months,--school year... anyway. Sleep sounds like a gift right now.

So, how about a tank for Christmas? That's right, a real, live tank. It is called the Badonkadonk and it will ship to you in 1-2 months--at least that is what Amazon claims. It can go up to 40 mph, but you might need to check on its gas mileage... So, not in to a tank, huh? How about some nematodes! If you do go to this site, be sure to read the last comment, well worth scrolling down to. But if you are really desperate and need something for that hard to buy for person on your list, try the relaxation capsule. Again, the reviews of this item are half the fun. Have fun shopping at Amazon!

Were there ever times in your life when you did all you could, but things still didn't work out the way they should have? Were there ever times that your grade depended on another person and they consistently let you down? Well, welcome to my public speaking class. Twice now (out of 4 speeches) I have had to try and scramble at the last minute to get my speech peer evaluation done before I have to give it in class. The peer evaluation is 12% of the grade--and when your speech abilities aren't that hot--you appreciate the 12% give away. But even those things aside--why should I have to try and make my life fit around someone else? I was supposed to meet with this girl yesterday to go over my speech. She asked me to please postpone it until Monday night because she had tests to study for. So me, being the nice girl I am, agree to it. So she said she would be in the dorm tonight and willing to meet with me at any time. I got off work at 9:15pm. I went to find her in her room--but she wasn't there. So I go to prepare my speech. I come back in a couple hours--she is back all right--and sleeping by now. No phone call, no note, nothing. Just left me hanging. Then the girl next door suggests I just have her do my evaluation while I am in class giving it tomorrow and make up some suggestions from her. What?! Come on now. I thought we were a Christian college that upheld Christian ethics. I don't care who you are, that isn't ethical. It is called lying. No matter what, 12% is not worth me lying. But it would put me at an automatic B+. Unfairly, I might add. So I will pray everything will work out. God knows my desire to do all things ethically and morally sound. I don't condone cheating nor do I think it is right to do that. I must admit, the temptation is high right now, but I still do not support it. No one should, actually. But I guess I will go to bed and get ready for tomorrow. I wish I could get this uneasy feeling out of my stomach, but I don't know about that. I know it isn't my fault, but still, I wish I had some control in the matter. But again, God knows the effort I put in and desires to see me succeed. I will not get a bad grade in this class because of someone else. I refuse. But there is no use worrying about it tonight--what is done is done. I could be rude and wake her up, but that wouldn't be very nice.

Man am I ever tired. I got about perhaps four hours of sleep last night and I didn't get off work until 9 pm tonight. Really I should just go to bed right now. That would be the smartest and best thing for me to do. But since when have I ever been a smart person? I had to chuckle to myself today when someone told me may be I should try medicine I mean, I seemed like I might be able to handle the work and all. Yeah, it still makes me laugh. This coming from someone who, well, has a lower grade than me in one of my classes. I seem to be pretty smart. I didn't correct her however. I don't really care how intelligent others make me out to be. Nope, not really. In fact, so called intelligence is overrated. Or at least, you begin to feel that way when all of your life people keep telling you that you're smart and can do "anything you want to do." It is a cliche. It should be taken as such and respected as such. But in all seriousness, I am super tired. Today was a long day, tomorrow will be a long tomorrow and I can't wait until Friday evening--cause it is Sabbath and I get to rest and forget about all the stresses of this world. So as I sit here and sigh and wonder why God called me back into this mess of life, I know I have a major decision to make. And, quite frankly, I don't want to be the one to make it. I need to set out a fleece for this decision. Of course, after my last fleece I am a little worried as to how this one might come out, but I think I could live with either outcome. My superviser told me to not be a Jonah. I listen to her and I respect her advice. However, I still don't want to go to Africa. That is all I will go into about that. I miss Palawan, it is true. It is true down to its deepest core. My heart has a new level of appreciation for life after living there. I think I finally know what true happiness can feel like from living there. Although, as I am told, happiness is a choice. But if it is a choice, why do I feel so much happier some places than others? I didn't choose to be happy in Kemantian, I just was. That doesn't make any sense to me at all.

But moving on, Liz, I only have one more week of classes, then finals, and then I come home! I am so excited for classes to be over. Okay, so don't really like school, what else is new, but this semester has been more trying than ever before. It seems like it has dragged on forever. Than I meet all those immature little college kids, oh school is just so much fun I don't know what I would do without school, I just love to learn... whatever, without school you actually get to live life, see the world, make a difference. I feel bad at school--I tell people I am willing to help them with science and then I never actually do my science homework until the last minute--the reality is I could help them if I would actually get on top of things a little more.

Well, I have to write a reflective essay for tomorrow. I have a feeling that tonight I will be sleeping rather than writing it, but that is just a feeling...

So tonight I went out to O street. I was with a bunch of missions people from Union--somehow other missions people end up bugging me, but anyway, we saw a lot fo people. I somehow feel more comfortable by myself or with one other person than like 4 people. Besides, bar hoppers really aren't the easy people to talk and hand out material to. They seemed more interested in flirting with each other. Anyway, the girls looked like they could use some coats and the guys perhaps did too. I saw girls in tank tops and it was 30 F out there. It was COLD. I was in a hoodie and winter coat and I was still freezing. I know they were cold. But it was good--the best conversation I probably had all the whole hour I was there was right before I left--I was talking to a guy standing outside a bar. He is a banker here in Lincoln. Seemed to be all right I guess. He just wanted to know what we were up to--we kind of stood out like sore thumbs considering we were all wearing coats and no one else was. Who knew on a night below freezing people would be showing off their new spaghetti strap shirt? Silly me. Should of guessed it. Anyway, I will end this with one note--Tibet IS part of China. It was annexed in 1949-1951 and it has been a part of China ever since. I hate it when people adamantly disagree with me about facts. It is a fact--Tibet is part of China--how is that so hard to understand? Really now. It is like arguing with me that Alaska isn't part of the US. Or the UP is part of Canada. It just isn't true. Nothing irks me more than people getting the facts wrong. Anyway, I need to let it go. I know I do, but when some one looks at you like you are stupid or don't know what you are talking about, it would perhaps irk you too.

Today has officially been an "up" day aside from the fact that I, uh, had to grade nutrition papers for 4.5 hours and I am still not even half way done yet. That is frustrating, but I had to go, I was starving and as it was the only food left in the cafe was gross. I missed dinner. It was like after 7pm when I left and I was tired of working on them. Oh well, I will just finish them tomorrow I guess. Between that and mammalian physiology lab. I like the job, don't get me wrong, but some days are more trying than others. So I am trying this new schedule thing so that I get more sleep. I hate not waking up in the morning for my devotions, so my plan is to be in bed by 11:30 at least. Last night I didn't quite make it, but I was closer than I had ever been in the past. So right now I am feeling pretty good. Of course, it is a Monday, what is there not ot like about a Monday? In the Philippines I would have been issuing a sigh of relief that Sunday was over. But anyway. check with me on Friday and see if my mood is still this cheery. I don't think it ever fails to fall by then. But on the bright side I am going home in a few weeks. I am so ready to be done with this semester--one down, only 11 more to go before I am a PA. Okay, that is depressing, but it will come eventually. It is so frustrating. I just want to be done with this. I want to wake up one morning and find myself lying on datag--then I will know everything turned out the way it was supposed to. I mean, I wouldn't mind if my mansion in heaven was bamboo. I like bamboo. I know, I am a little odd, mesawala. Segwa', sigilang. I don't care. I like who I am. And that is the truth really. I like who I am. I know I have had regrets about my past, but those all stem from the fact that I DIDN"T like who I was. I was a mess, a wreck. I didn't understand who I was meant to be. I think life has taught me that slightly harder than I would have preferred, but probably in the only way I would listen. And now, I need no reminder. It is forever engrained in my memory; however, that isn't always such a bad thing. It is a constant reminder of how to live your life in the present. I like that. More than anything I like that God has always come through for me. Even though right now I am struggling with that issue in some aspects, I know that He has the best plans possible for me--even if it is hard for me to fathom what those might be. I do have a hope and a future. When I am crying in a few days, I will need to look back at this to remind myself that I did actually write this. I know--I am not giving myself much hope, but considering my track record for the last few months, I am not quite to the point where I can assume I will make it through a week without getting emotional. I am definitely on edge. It won't take much to upset the balance. But that's better than being emotionally cold, right? I have lived on both extremes and at least I feel more alive right now. I take that as a good sign. I haven't gotten really angry in a long time. That makes me glad too. But anyway, megiga' ku ne. Romeo Mike standing by.

Contra dancing. Who knew Becky would end up going dancing? Now before all you Adventists begin to think I did something evil, let me explain contra dancing to you. It is a very clean dance--people stand up front and play celtic music on fiddles and the like. Think the scene in Titanic where Jack takes Rose down to do some "real" dancing. Seriously though, it was a lot of fun. I found myself at this dance with three friends when I needed to experience another culture for my speech class. I looked up folk dancing online and found contra dancing. It is a little like square dancing in a way. You get a partner and then all the ladies line up on one side and the men on the other. Then every joins groups of four and the dance begins. Different patterns are called of and the closest you ever get to your partner is when they are spinning you. That is it. Anyway, I think all four of us went with hopes of some young cute guys being there--well, that wasn't exactly the case. It turns out when you are new it is best to dance with good dancers--and they all happen to be older guys. We were planning on having each other for partners until these older guys came up and asked us to dance. Marissa and I were a little nervous though so we lined up to dance with each other and they promptly got us partners. So yeah, a old guy with a beard wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but, let me tell you--they really know how to spin you. Wow, I was dizzy. But man, it was awesome. There was one really good younger dancer--he was Spanish I think, but he never asked us to dance, but you dance with everyone so I did find out he was good--he spent most of the night with an older lady as his partner. So yeah, old people dance with younger people. Children as young as 7 or 8 come to the dance and participate. It really is a lot of fun and a very clean dance. So, anyway, I said my peace. I enjoyed it. My friends had a blast. Me thinks we will return.

So I am not really sure why I am posting. I heard from Kiana today. Every time I think things are getting better, every time I think I have control of my emotions and I doing well, every time I am about to say, "things are going better now," I begin to realize just how far away that state really is. I was in tears in, I kid you not, about 30 seconds. Yeah, pathetic. And I had been doing well. I had been "happy." Don't get me wrong, I love hearing from her, but why am I still so affected by it all? I feel like I should be fine, but instead I keep going through these cycles. One day I am happy--no, more like, for about 3-4 days I am happy, then something happens and I'm sad all over again. Week after week I kid you not. I just don't get it. I was happy--just yesterday. I feel like a moody pre-teen. You know the little girls who are crying one minute about some boy and then the next moment they are happy all over again. Granted I am not quite so flirty in my emotions, even still I don't think I have even been quite this emotional. I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where just thinking about it could reduce me to emotional wreck. It is like I can put on a smile, act happy, even feel happy and somewhat "glad" for being here and then in an instant if I am brought back to Kemantian, boom. Kalem ne. It's all gone. I am back to my messed up state. I have even been doing my devotions. I prayed today for strength and in five minutes I was a sobbing wreck. I hate it. I hate all of it. This isn't me. I just want to be happy again. I think it is all those moments that I contemplate perhaps going to medical school--maybe I don't really want to do frontier missions and then boom, "did you forget that quickly?" No I didn't. Yes, I know, there is nothing I would love to do more than career missions. Perhaps that is part of it. I do get these crazy notions every once in a while that maybe I do want to be a doctor. Perhaps I need to be a doctor in order to do what I want to do. But no, I could do what I did last year and be perfectly happy for the rest of my life. So yeah, my heart is there. There is no denying that. I guess I just need to keep pressing on.

What's so hard to understand
What I cannot comprehend
Is that You love me the way I am

~Mercy Me, Everything Impossible

I'm sad tonight.

So I just got done with organic chemistry lab. It wasn't supposed to be a long lab, but because other students didn't do a very good job with their tests, my partner and I had to re-do stuff that other groups botched. Well, only one other group, but anyway. It took a long time and I wasn't very pleased with that. Sigilang, I suppose it didn't kill me. I am fine. I also got my midterm grades today. Nothing truly eventful there. I don't get it. I don't really have that much drive or ambition. Sure, I do have a goal in mind, but school just seems so tedious, but nevertheless, it never shows in my grades. I don't really know. I feel so tired of it all. Today was a fine day. I am learning about Confucianism and Taoism in my world religions class. I like that class. I especially liked reading about Taoism. Sure, I don't care for the supernatural mystism of it all, but the philosophy is kind of interesting. Confucianism is odd. I understand some of it, but in general the whole philosophy is crazy to me. Confucius was an interesting fellow. He wasn't very popular in his day, but then after he died everyone started to look at his teachings. Most of them are true enough. A lot of them deal with respecting others and especially respecting elder folk. Perhaps with that last statement it may seem that I have missed the point--and perhaps I have. Quite frankly I am nervous right now. In less than 50 minutes I am going to subject myself to 4 hours of calling strange people. I am going to have to ask them to donate money. I am going to have to try and connect with them. As it is, I think I have brought in the least amount of donations of anyone. I really haven't been doing that well, but I do have good conversations with a lot of people--it just doesn't always translate into a donation. Oh well. This is my 7th night. Only 4 left after tonight. If it appears that I am counting down the nights, well, you're right. And once I have finished all my calling nights I will only have like 2 more weeks until Thanksgiving break. So only two more weeks of calling and then two more weeks until break. I am happy about that. I am tired of school and I am ready to go to another country. Actually, I am ready to go back to Kemantian, but you know. I still have dreams about it. I try to not think about it. It makes me cry. So to stay cheery I have to forget about the one thing that brings me both happiness and pain. So I feel like I living in one of those artificial states. I am somewhere between knowing joy and feeling pain. In the Philippines I was on a pretty much constant high for 10 months. I mean, almost literally. I think the muscles in my mouth became stronger because I smiled so much there. I loved it. There was hardly a day I didn't enjoy. Going from that to this is hard. I mean it is almost 3 months later and the only way I have tried to heal my heart is by letting go. Forgetting it. Not thinking about it. But nothing is healing. Instead it is just sitting there. Wide open and it is like I just ignoring it. You're not hurt. You're not suffering. I don't even know what Kemantian is. You fool heart.

Well, I just finished tons of hours of disaster training and still have a project to do, but at least I am done with the meetings. I am going to go swimming in a few moments with a friend. However, I thought I would try and help out all of my college friends. I have found a stress test online--it is rather unique actually. If you click here you will go to an instant stress test. Just follow the directions on the screen and you can begin your test. It took me about 20 seconds. It really is useful. He he he. (In case you are wondering that was an evil cackle.) Well, off to swimming for me. I hope you discover if you have hidden stress in your life. Have fun.

So I just finished my midterm for world religions. I think it went all right. Who knows really? I still have to write up a lab report for organic chemistry which is due in an hour or so. Which means my work is cut out for me. In the next three hours I need to: write my report, exercise for at least 30 minutes, and then take a shower before I go to my ACS training tonight. I talked with some people today. It helped a little. But I still don't really know what to think, what to do. I am a little lost and my ambition is slowly being more torn down than before. I feel like I have been in school for ages and it has only been a month a half maybe. Isteku. I don't really remember. I just know it has been too long. Sigilang. I will survive is what I am told. I am told these are the best years of our lives spent in college. Yet I don't feel that way some how. Anyway, I found out yesterday that I might be able to get another job next semester which would be awesome. I would love to do this job over calling eight million non donors for 4 hours twice a week. So it pays cash. Is it really worth it? My mom says yes. Well, if it will help me pay for next semester I suppose anything is worth it. We'll see. Well, I will finish my homework and post words of wisdom later. Pray for me.

Three school shootings in one week. Need I say more? I was telling my roommate about all that is happening and she just was kind of shocked. Didn't have a clue what has been happening. As for me, well, I am an internet addict- I will admit to that. I mean, I don't play games or anything like that, but I read the news--daily. I like to know what is happening although I am not completely sure why, cause all that I hear is horrible. Four girls died today from some man that wanted, I don't know, revenge? Revenge for what? What could they have possibly done--I'll tell you--nothing. They did nothing to him. Yet he killed them. I am disgusted. That is six people dead in one week period--all killed at school. I don't know what else to say really. The statistics speak for themselves. Another dude murdered his wife and his kids. One lady cut the fetus out of a pregnant lady, killed her, her baby, and the lady's older children too. I just don't get it.

On a different note, I am working the phonathon here at Union. It pays $6.50/hr, so I thought I could use the money. I still have 28 more hours of calling left to do. I don't particularly like talking to people on the phone that I don't know and asking them for money, but a job is a job. Tonight was a good night though. 12 people committed to donating and I made it to the second donation level- over $1500 of total specified pledges. That makes me happy, although to be honest, I don't really care what level I make it to. I am not that easily motivated. I was thinking about it today--I have to do a behavior modification project for my concepts of wellness class and I decided I would drink more water. At any rate, I am supposed to reward myself each day or week or whenever with a motivating treat if I make my daily goals. Well, like I said, I am not easily motivated. Nothing is really going to tempt me to drink more water, except to get an A in the class. That's about it. Well, if someone told me that all I had to do was drink 4 gallons of water each day for the next 8 weeks and they would pay for me to go back to Kemantian, even for just a week long visit to the project, I would do it. Bring on, 5 gallons even. Seriously, that would motivate me. Every second, more water coming in. I would run to the bathroom every 20 minutes if someone gave me that guarantee. But it won't happen. Nope. So I remain unmotivated except for the fact that my grade depends on it.

Pray for a girl here at my school. She is having a rough time--needs money by Friday for school bill. Can't really reach her mom and just found out today her grandmother died. She found out all of this today. Please pray for her.

Atin lang tiban. Ani' ku ne.

It is practically 1 am and I should be in bed, but I still have a Gospel of Mark paper to write for tomorrow (it is only a 1 page typed reading report, but somehow, even though they only take about 15 min to type, they take me over 3 hours to do- well, not somehow, I am definitely lazy, but anyway). So I stood in the shower tonight contemplating many things. The first thought--isn't wonderful to take a hot shower. The second--what does it mean to be a civilized person. Clyde Peters, a retired mission pilot that worked in Peru, asked us (the IRR majors) what it meant to be a savage Friday evening at Vespers. I knew where he was going with the question because only someone who has spent a considerable amount of time with an "uncivilized" people group can truly understand the meaning of civilized. My thoughts first went to what I consider to be a Palawano. Granted, all of the people I worked with last year were Palawanos, but what did I think of when I heard the word "Palawano"? To be honest, none of the Palawanos I know come to mind. Instead, I get this vague picture of shy mountain people in my mind. People who are really short, illiterate, uncivilized, etc. And, to those who know little about the Palawanos, this does hold true. Even to those who have lived in Palawan, this still holds true, but to a different degree. For some reason, the first person I always think about when considering what it means to be a Palawano is Agus.

Now who is Agus? Well, he is a teacher, a father, a farmer, a husband, a pastor, and a school principal. He is also a Palawano. He lives in a bamboo hut in the village of Nyug. His wife is Mindan, who is also a Palawano. He is around 25 years old, but no one knows for sure since no one recorded his birthday. He is not illiterate. He really isn't that shy--but he is short. Taller than me, but that ain't saying much. He is strong, a hard worker, a builder, a generous person, a strong Christian, a good example, and a spiritual leader. Keep all this in mind when I mention the next little detail. The missionaries have only been in Kemantian for 10 years. That means, in the last ten years Agus: became a Christian, learned to read, became a teacher, became a principal, became a pastor. In the last ten years he also got married and had kids. So how can this person fit my mind's picture of a Palawano? He just can't. I think of him first because he is the antithesis of what I imagine a Palawano being. For some reason being called a Palawano is such a distancing term. It doesn't do them justice, yet that is who they are.

What I have come to understand is that they are different people, but yet they are similar. They are my friends, they are intelligent, they are Palawanos. So even though I will never be able to think of the words Palawano and Agus at the same time, it does not negate the fact that he, and many other people there, are all Pelawans. They have insider information on cultural practices that I can't begin to comprehend. They know how to farm, how to build fires, how to build grass huts, etc--all stuff I am ignorant as to how to do.

On the same note, I am an American. No one would deny that fact, but I wonder, when the Palawanos looked at me, did they see an American or did they see Becky?

So I am going to Almost Anything Goes tonight. It starts in about 10 minutes, but I thought I would share a few of my impressions since being in school. I think the class that makes me think the most is World Religions. This last week we studied Buddhism. I realized this week just how glad I am that I am a Christian and not Buddhist. In Buddhism the ultimate goal in life is nirvana- which means to be extinguished. To exist no more. In Christianity, the ultimate goal is to spend eternity in Heaven with God, my creator. In Buddhism, people are told to work out their own salvation. In Christianity, Jesus has already saved me. I don't have to work out anything, all I have to do is come to God and give myself over to Him and He has done the rest. In Buddhism, people don't have an eternal soul--instead anatman or no permanent soul. Therefore even though you die and they believe that you will be born again, it is only your energy or--it has been compared to a wave--the same particles, but a different being. The same wave, but yet different. That is the cycle of samsara. In Christianity, I live one life and I have the assurance that after one life here on this planet I will be saved and will be freed from sin one day. On that day, I get to start an eternity with God. Is it any wonder that I am smiling as I write this? What could possibly be better news? The Sabbath has ended for me here in Lincoln and is just starting to end for those in California. But I can say that I am thankful for who I am and that God has an interest in me. Thank you Jesus for working out my salvation so I don't have to--because, to be perfectly honest--I wouldn't make it if my salvation depended upon my own actions. Well, it is time for me to go. Selamat banar, Empu' Isus.

So today was another Sabbath at Union. I am joining a discipleship class here which sounds interesting. This last week was a little hectic. I got a job as a phonathon worker- mostly because it paid well and I was hired instantly over the phone- there was no time for me to reject the offer. "I like you, you're hired!" How do you argue with that logic? Well, I was beginning to question my decision last Wednesday night during my first night of calling. I had four hang-ups and after calling tons of people, only 2 donations. Thankfully I am getting paid by the hour, NOT commission, so that is a relief. I wouldn't do it if it was based off the number of donations I got. At any rate, I came down with a sore throat earlier in the day and so I had to call from 6:30p- 10:30p, with a sore throat and I was tired. The next morning I woke up with, surprise, surprise, a fever. Well, not really much of a fever when I awoke, but the beginnings of one and I had a bad headache. After my first class my fever had risen to about 100.5 and after my speech class (where I had to give a speech go figure) my temp was around 101. After my english class my temp was about 102 and that is where it stayed until I got some sleep and then for the rest of the night I was back down at around 100. So I felt miserable, but I made it through the day and thankfully I didn't have to call people on Thursday nights- God is looking out for me. Friday was kind of a long day- my last class gets out at 2:20p so I kind of get the rough end of it. I thought it was bad at Andrews with my last class ending at 1:20p... oh well, at least things are open later here on Fridays for the most part than at Andrews...

I also found out on Friday that the CPR certification I received at camp with not work for my EMT class next semester. I need, no joke, "professional rescuer" CPR. I am certified in Adult CPR/AED, child CPR/AED, and Infant CPR. So what on earth do I need "professional rescuer" CPR training for? It sounds... well, I won't get into how it sounds. Let's just say that I am not really impressed by titles. I don't care what you call the CPR training I have as long as I know what I need to know. So I took a 7 hour class and I need an 8 hour class. Whatever, I don't actually remember how long the course was at camp. I do remember we had to watch all these videos though that made me feel as if I was being brainwashed... perhaps they were attempting, but they forgot that I have a short attention span. Sigilang. Tonight was some sort of basket auction that the ASB was putting on. I didn't go. I know, I am a lonely reject. Not really, I just didn't want to go. I will go to the Almost Anything Goes thing next week. I enjoyed that at Andrews. I just had no desire to go to a basket auction. Perhaps there were other reasons as well, but I will not get into those tonight. So I am counting down the days until I am done with this semester- is that horrible or what? I just want to be done with school so bad so I can go live life. School just seems so fake after being out in the world for a year. I was telling someone the other day how I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have waited until I was finished with college before I left as an SM. Instead I went as soon as I turned 19. Which in all fairness, was probably the best. I don't think I would have known what I wanted to do with my life hadn't I gone then, but I know that God saw what the pain would be like coming back. I just keep thinking, what would I give to be able to go back to even just Brooke's Point and say into the radio once more, "Kilo Bravo, Kilo Bravo, Kilo Bravo, do you copy Romeo Mike, Kilo Bravo, Kilo Bravo, Go ahead?" And to hear that person on the other end say, "This is Kilo Bravo, go ahead." Instead the last thing I said into that radio was "Romeo Mike going QRT, Romeo Mike going QRT." Forever. To see their faces once more. To have that one last grasp on Kemantian. I know, call me a sap, but it is more than that. It is this deep level of bonding that takes place. You become one with that culture, people, place. I miss Kiana, I miss the Pelawans.

I still remember going back to Brooke's after my vacation and calling Sierra Hotel and getting Kiana. It was awesome. The excitement in her voice. I find myself daydreaming about a surprise return to Brooke's Point and calling on the radio only to hear their surprised voices. But it shall never be. I don't have the money to return. So I will continue on here in America and look for that calling that God has for me here. At least, His calling for me right now.

Tell the world that Jesus loves you
Tell them you've found a forever friend
You've opened up your heart's door to Him
The love of Jesus has no end

You can choose what not to believe in
You can deny there's a heaven above
But once you take a look at Jesus
There's no denying that God is Love

Tell the world that Jesus loves you
Tell them you've found a forever friend
You've opened up your heart's door to Him
The love of Jesus has no end

If you want to show that you really love Him
If you want to prove that your love is true
Then you'll obey the word He's spoken
And do all the things He's commanded you to

Tell the world that Jesus loves you
Tell them you've found a forever friend
You've opened up your heart's door to Him
The love of Jesus has no end

So today is another day in the life of a Union student. I went birding this morning. I saw a belted kingfisher, semi-palmated sandpiper, pectoral sandpiper, a green heron, great egret, snowy egret, kill deer, cat bird, yellow throated warbler, thrasher, and probably others that I can't remember the names to. I guess it has been an okay day. Kind of dull otherwise, but it was nice to get out of the city for a while. I miss being outside all the time. I miss my home in the mountains. I miss so much- to the point where I am not really living in the city I am in. I am not really living in the country I am in. I am just existing. For now I will continue to exist for another day.

Badi wouldn't say good bye. Ani' ku ne, Badi. Enu kesala'?

So I visited the Buddhist temple here in Lincoln today. I felt like I came home. I don't know, but for some reason feeling like a foreigner in a foreign environment is much more comforting than feeling like a foreigner in normal society. It was so cool to see them in the worship service. They had gongs, they sang, they chanted. They repeated mantras and read from the sutra, which was in Vietnamese. It was an awesome experience. Like I said, I felt at home. I felt like I belonged for some reason. Not that I feel like converting to Buddhism, that is not what I mean, just I guess I feel more comfortable being around those who are supposed to be different. It is one thing to feel different around those who clearly are- it is a totally different feeling to be around those who are supposed to be like you, but you still feel foreign. I don't know. I don't think the other students who came felt quite the same way, but for me, it was similar to the Philippines. Very different, yet similar all the same. I don't know, I think I will go back next week with some friends to the Buddhist festival. They are supposed to be having tumbling routines and such next weekend. It should be interesting.

Menungang Eldew Dimiu!

Kalu' kaya mekasi ku tiban. Merepuk ku tiban sabab mengrendem ku et Kemantian. Kapun, indu' ku sampay ama' ku dumuntin dut Dowagiac bagu nebiri' dye si Pastur. Ga'ay ku dumuntin duntin gasi, sewga' diki kedyari sabab aku dut Lincoln. Ga'ay ku dut Kemantian lang. Mendi' ku atue. Segwa' si Empu' Isus ga'ay Ye daken atue. Engkansa, aku atue. Sigilang, kalu' itueng teun menunga banar, kaya memikir atin, sewga' kalu' menunga. Kaya seud ku. Sigilang, sembatu eldew aku meugad dut Lincoln bagu dumuntin ku dut ibang lungsud. Ga'ay ku atin banar. Sembatu eldew...

I am struggling right now. Everyday is a struggle. It is like I am not here. Like nothing has ever happened. My life will never be the same. I am struggling. Each day, I struggle. I put on an outside front, but who am I kidding, how many people could I fool? I am struggling. I cry. I sit down in states of despair. I am sad, I am lonely, I am homesick for a place far away. I am stuggling. Eldew-peldew merepuk ku. No one here can understand. No one here cares to understand. So what am I to do? I am struggling. I am not reaching out for help, but I need it. I am floundering. Since when do I cry? But since I have been back, I should rather ask, since when don't I cry. I am struggling.

It is strange, as I think back to the person I was before I left the Philippines and the amount of time I devoted to school work, to work in general, and to just being lazy, I devoted a lot of time to just being lazy (probably 60%) I devoted another at least 20% to agonizing over the dumb assignments I had been given, spent maybe 10% of my time working, and another final 10% of my waking hours actually studying. Now that I have taken a year off and have started again, I am looking for a job that will offer me more hours (and I may have found one...), I have finished all of my homework within an hour or two since I actually sat down and did it rather than whined about having to do it to myself for an hour or two, and I still have the whole evening to do whatever at this point. And, to top it off, I don't mind studying any more. It is not a drag. I am ready for it. It is like my mind had caught up with me. I have matured to some extent and I realize that the sooner I do the work, the quicker I am done. I just did my first college writing homework assignments in less than one hour. For those of you who don't understand the significance of this, that is your loss. I normally would have waited until at least 10:30 pm, fretted about it then, and then slowly worked on finishing it until it was around midnight. Instead, I opened my book, wrote the two assignments and I am free to do whatever. Amazing. Novel, I tell you. Teki' has just turned a new corner. Pray that this attitude lasts.

So another day here in the States. I can say that I am doing an awful job of readjusting to my home culture. The reason: I don't want to. Plain and simple. I would rather be there than here. Basically. I could adjust a lot better if I wanted to be here. But I don't. I want to be there. My heart is there. I didn't want to come home. I am so self-centered. I hate it. All I can think about is what I want, where I want to be, what I want to do. I give no thought to those around me. I give no thought to the plans that God must have for me here at Union. It is like I don't care. I want to be there. That is all I care about. I have become self-centered. I loathed such a trait in the Philippines, I even worked to think more of others than myself, but I can't stop it. It is like I know I will never ever see some of those people again. They will be lost. Others it will be a while before I get a chance to see them again- perhaps not until Jesus is decending in the clouds to redeem us. I know that I should be here. But I don't care. I just don't care. That makes me even more sad- that I am not even justified for my feelings. As a matter of fact, my feelings should be dealt with and put away nicely in a little box. But I refuse. I refuse to move on. I am shooting myself in the foot, but like I said, I am self-centered. I can't think of how my parents care about me coming home, my friends, or even God's plans for me- just my own depression. I need to get over it. I just have to bring myself to believe that.

So I am in Iowa right now. I will be in Lincoln tomorrow. I spent my last few days in Berrien Springs trying to finish up all of my re-entry stuff for AFM. It was nice to get to see Mishala, Tenille, and Eddie again plus there was another girl, Mary, there as well. I guess I "need" re-entry help, but I didn't really want to go. I did though and I got to see Alicia and Brianna as well as hand it all of my independent study papers. So now I am on my way to Union. It will be kind of weird to be going there. I have never actually seen the place nor do I know what to expect. I am just back from months of living in mountains. I miss it so much. Sometimes are harder than others. There are times I just break down and cry. I can't help it. My last words to Lebin were "Enu Kesala'?" I had tears streaming down my face as I had to hike out of those mountains that had become my home. I loved those people. I can't help but wonder how things are for Sublitu right now, and Silu and Surlin, and Lebin and Meyni, and Nurgina and her mom, and everyone else that I was friends with. I miss all of the little school girls: Badi, Merina, Dyilit, Dyilin, Arlin, Hilin, Rusma, Dilia, Nurlinda, and Nurma. I miss Menilin and her little siblings. I miss Sirla and Maypur. But I was called to come home and go to school. Why? I am not quite sure yet. I know that if God was calling me from such an awesome place as Kemantian that He must have something even more awesome planned at Union, but I will admit, my faith is a little uncertaint. I loved Kemantian. I literally had to drag myself from those mountains. I cried the whole 2 hour hike out- hyperventilating on the up parts. And now I am just kind of dumped back in the States to re-enter back into my old life. But I am not the same person. I am someone completely different. I miss the fact that next year I won't get to see any of the Pelawans. It was hard for me to say good bye to Wendy and Kiana, but not nearly as hard as saying good bye to all of the Pelawans. There was a certain finality to it. I just knew that I would not see them again- ever. There was no point in saying, "seked peuli' in" because I know that that may be never. Well, I need to go to bed I suppose. Kwiga' ku ne.

So I have been back from the Philippines for all of two days and I am already looking for a place to go as a career missionary. I found the place. I just know it is the right one. It's got to be. It is in the mountains of a restricted country, the people group has not been reached by any mission organization, and I am sure they would like health care and maybe a school? They have got to. Anyway they are the Shixing. They are perfect. Incredibly remote- on mountains to put my international Rescue and Relief major to work and I love mountains. Plus they are in Asia and I have sort of fallen in love with Asia. Now who wants to come with me? I think I need to pitch this idea to Kiana, I am sure they need a secondary math education major there... and Liz, I know you're game. Well, we will have to see, but I really like the sounds of this group. I just researched over 15 people groups and I liked this one. I know that really doesn't mean anything, I liked the sounds of the Uighers and I ended up in Palawan. However, I do believe that is because I was meant to work among a mountain tribe. Of course if the option of going back to Palawan ever came up... I would go there as well. But if I had to choose between the two and God opened the doors for both possibilities, I think I would go to the Shixing... I am not sure. I love the Pelawans. I would give anything to go back, but the Shixing have had no Christian presence whatsoever. So in 7-8 years I'll be ready to go, right...

Muli' ku na! I could be going home tomorrow!!! I am so excited. Of course by home I mean Kemantian. So I am here in Brooke's Point attempting to use the internet for email, but I have been here for like an hour and not been able to open ANY of my email accounts. So what does one do when they are frustrated, tired of waiting, and would like to vent? Update their journal instead. Meanwhile I am constantly trying to bring up Gmail. Sigilang. Sayang. Oh palan. I am upset. E'ba. Why can't I just accept it? Marapuk ku na. Matay ku na. One thought does make me happy- Ga'ay ku megpeniu dut Temlang- and I may get to very soon. Dyilin is coming from Puerto and loves the Temlang. Kalu'. Wait, is this a miracle, I think I may just have gotten Gmail. Well, almost. I was so close. I will try yet again. Come on internet. So I am bored. Yep. E'ng. Ke tew. And that is basically the extent of my Pelawan vocabulary. I've got nothing else really. Life is somewhat boring down in Brooke's. The same old, same old. There was an emergency in the mountains on Sabbath, but since I was in Brooke's I missed out on the excitement. To surprise Michel and I though, Wendy and Kiana hiked out to the house to see us. Wendy's birthday was that next Sunday so we celebrated her birthday in Brooke's. We went swimming in the ocean. I love swimming. Well, I should be going. I am wasting my money on an internet server that is not connecting me worth its salt. Sigilang. I will try and let it go. It was only about 35-40 pesos. Ahh. (That is a frustrated groan). Okay! The page just came up. PLEASE let it sign me in. It did. Ani' ku na!

So, I leave in like one more day. Not that I am counting down or anything... but one day is pretty significant. I am sad. I just read an article by the career missionaries I could have been joining- and they were so hopeful that we would be there for them. I really really wish we could too. I am excited to go to Palawan, but there may always be a part of me that may wonder what it could have been like... I wonder why things work out the way they do. I don't know. I guess I never really will, but maybe one day... Wow, one more day. Then Monday, I leave. Gone, for ten months. Arrive in Manila on Tuesday. Again, I am excited, but it is really hard for me to show my enthusiasm I guess. Am I scared? And if I were, would I admit it? (That is probably the more relevant of the two questions) So I don't know. I am unsure of how to feel and all of this leaving America for several months has made me somewhat emotional. I hate it when I get like this. The littlest things can make me well up. Like I was watching America's Most Wanted tonight and they were telling a story about a baby girl whose life was saved and the mother was recounting the tale of the near-drowning of her baby girl. For some reason, some little baby I don't even know pulled at my heart strings. I didn't start bawling or anything, but still, I don't cry -or even shed a tear-and yet, if that were true, that what the heck happened this past year?! I think the stress of preparing to leave for a new place makes me 'vulnerable.' Whatever. I don't care. I will be in Manila and forget all about it -yeah right-. Pray for me.

All right, so I am off to Kalamazoo to see Alex. I am spending the weekend with her. It should be lots of fun. Yeah, I haven't seen her since July. She worked at camp with me, but she was a waterfront girl. Well, I am not sure any more when I will be launching, but please pray for Oct. 3. I would really like to leave as soon as possible and I haven't heard back from AFM about any further details. I could be leaving in a little over a week for the Philippines or I might not. Talk about last minute changes. Oh well, I have been told this is typical of missions. But I am beginning to think that my supports may be wondering what is up. First I tell them where I am going, then that becomes uncertain so for months I had to say I didn't know. Finally, I find out where I am going, but don't know when I am leaving. Then I am given the date of Oct. 3 and work to get all of my launching funds in so that I can leave. All is good, until like Wednesday when I find out, I don't know when I am leaving. Yeah, I don't really know much- only where I am going. At least I know that much- and that is a praise too. I never knew how glad I would be to finally know where I was going to be spending almost a year of my life. So yeah. My life is a big bag of uncertainty. I never seem to know what is going on, but at least I don't have to take on the role as pilot for my life, cause I would be in a lot of trouble. Thankfully I have Someone much more competent than myself guiding me. I guess I will see where He leads me from here.

Top Ten favorite memories from training:

10. Being made a pickle maker
9. beach nights (official and unofficial)
8. Indian Lake
7. pier jumping
6. Kiana the goose, Nicole the camel
5. missionary pick-up lines
4. The ha ha game
3. "Oh no"
2. Puffin Pants- I don't know, this is almost number one
1. "We just like to have flowers inside brown bags sitting on our air conditioner"

I leave in 16 days. I can't believe it. It is too unreal. I don't even know what I am excited about since all I know is that in 16 days I will be facing the reality of a grass hut and cold showers for 10 months. But I am smiling right now and am super excited. I don't know if I really want to leave, but the excitement of being in a foreign country is finally catching up to me. Wow, I am truly excited, perhaps for one of the first times in my life. I can't explain what is making me the most excited- reading about the others who are in Mali and Thailand or just the idea that in 16 days I will meet up with the people that I will be spending the next 10 months of my life with. Weird, huh? Yeah, so I need sleep and my arm hurts from the Hep. A shot I got today, but things are still peachy. One of the only shots I have received that didn't actually hurt to get- just makes the muscle sore afterwards. Well, I should be checking out for the night, but 16 days and I am out. Peace.

Faith is irrevokable. No one can take away your faith- only you can give it up.

The Lord my Shepherd, He tends His sheep
While I'm awake, when I'm asleep
He always knows just where I am
He is my shepherd and I am His lamb

Follow Me
Jesus says follow me
Little children just follow me
and I'll take you home

Some times I've wandered from the fold
lost and afraid, I felt so cold
Everytime He heard my cry
He swiftly came to my side

Follow Me
Jesus says follow me
Little children just follow me
and I'll take you home

While I've listened, I have grown
There's one thing certain that I know
The safest place for me to be
Is right behind my shepherd's feet

Follow Me
Jesus says follow me
Little children just follow me
and I'll take you home

Follow Me
Jesus says follow me
Little children just follow me
and I'll take you home

If I could write a letter to all the other children of the world
I'd tell them that I love them, Jesus said love every boy and girl
cause if we love each other, maybe then the world would understand
love is the road to the Garden of Eden once again

We can have a world that cares enough to know our neighbors names
and if they don't have enough to eat, we'll care enough to fill their needs
It doesn't matter at all, the color of your skin, my friend
I said love is the road to the Garden of Eden once again.

So why not let the children run the world instead?
A child would never make an atom bomb and drop it on your head.
Cause if we love each other, maybe then the world would understand
love is the road to the Garden of Eden once again

We can have a world that cares enough to know our neighbors names
and if they don't have enough to eat, we'll care enough to fill their needs
It doesn't matter at all, the color of your skin, my friend
I said love is the road to the Garden of Eden once again
I said love is the road to the Garden of Eden once again

I went down to Andrews yesterday and saw quite a few of my friends from last year (even someone I didn't expect to see- it was a good thing) and yeah, things sure are different. Most of my friends are lab TAs for biology, which I would have done if I were there. Melissa is still tutoring for biology, which I would be doing if I were there. I got offered a job as a small group leader for an honors class I had last year which I would have enjoyed doing as well. Plus they are starting a new girls soccer team and I am sure a lot more is happening that would depress me if I dwelt upon it long enough. All in all, I do miss it a little. I don't miss the fact that I have no homework, but I do still get the feeling that things will be different when I return. One of my best friends there has a new guy interest and I won't be there for her if things get rough. The hard part about her is that when I get back, she is planning on going to Argentina the next year so I won't see her for a while and possibly won't ever go to school with her again. Yeah, as I think about it there is a lot going on that I will be "missing." But then I think about all of the cool things to look forward to in Palawan. I think about the people, the housing (when else am I going to have the awesome privilege of living in a grass hut)- by the way, when I am living in that grass hut and complaining, remind me that I said this, and the overall adventure of going to a new place for a year. It is a little weird to walk onto a campus where you feel like you don't even belong. Right now I still don't feel all that sad that I am leaving. There is too much in the horizon for me to want to stay at home (plus the cost of gasoline is driving me insane, sorry for those back here). I am excited to be leaving in 32 days. I want to go. I am probably not ready, but God will make me ready, I just know it. So anyways I am looking forward to Palawan, but do realize that I will be leaving a great group of people from Andrews behind. I am also leaving home some super awesome people from my little hometown as well- and I will miss most of them. But Palawan and the mountains are beckoning for me, I know even amidst the few things that could be pulling me to stay here, I am already mentally set on Palawan.

You know I have been told so many times to do certain things and I still have not done them. I am beginning to believe that if I don't do something within 48 hours after I have been told- I never will. Honestly I can carry on for days after I have been upset by something and will not think anything of it until it is triggered yet again. Is that really healthy though? Shouldn't I take care of problems when I have them? With me it is like, well if it isn't bothering me right now, then I don't care. And I am emotional and very excitatory at the moment, but once that feeling fades and I go back to normal, I forget about how upset I was. So here I am. I am no longer upset and therefore not as determined to do what I have been told to do. The feeling has worn off. I am apathetic. That is until I must face the issue once again. How long will that be? I don't know. Haven't really thought too much about it. Should I? Probably since the issue will not go away on its own. Will I? That has yet to be seen.

So yeah, today was harder than I thought it would be. I cried more than I would like to admit since I hardly ever cry. Why is saying good bye so hard? So I am doing all right. I am sad, but I will move on. I just need some time. Yeah. Anyway, I might not be going with her. That is just really hard for me right now. It is like reality is setting in and I can't handle it. Wow, I am such a wreck. Anyway, I just read this article online that truly disgusted me. It was a list describing the essentials that every single girl must own. The list was as follows:
1. A sexy photo of yourself
2. heels
3. a business card
4. beer
5. an eninem CD
6. a straight male friend on speed dial
7. a good pick up line and blow off line
8. ear plugs
9. a book for the bathroom
10. condom

I'm sorry, but does this world really assume that everyone is looking for immoral relationships? Pretty much every item on that list is useless. If you just trust in God to bring you to the right person, none of those items will be necessary. I should write a list of the essentials that a Christian single girl needs:
1. a smile
2. faith and trust in God
3. a strong relationship with God so she can hear His voice
4. a loving spirit
5. humility
6. a Superchick CD
7. a well-read/loved Bible
8. a strong, guarded heart
9. purity
10. a desire to follow God's calling.

If one follows this advice, they can be sure to find true happiness in wherever God leads them. I am sick of this world and how the media is trying to tell us that we need to find someone and that we need to look good and give in and compromise our morals. Yeah, I don't know, but I do know that I am not looking for a guy- God will find me the perfect one in His time.

So, the past few days have been a little trying for me personally, but I am surviving. Tonight maybe the worst yet, but I will survive, I know that God will help me through and that I will be a stronger person for it. An ear infection? At 19? Who still gets ear infections at 19? Ahhh, it hurts, but I am on drugs so I should be feeling better in 24-48 hours. I had a crazy night last night due to massive ear pain and it resulted in my being driven around the town of Niles at about 1 am. Anyone who wants to hear the story can ask otherwise, I got out of class early this morning and I am tired so I am going to bed. Hopefully tonight isn't too bad.

Today was a really, really slow day. I got a new email account so that was cool and all, but yeah, not really much has been happening. I am somewhat on the bored side, yet I am not completely bored, just a little. I will find out where I am going next year supposedly this next Tuesday. The personnel committee is supposed to meet and vote. Yeah, I was told I would know where I am supposed to be going like a week or so ago. Oh well. I hope it is where I am currently scheduled, but if not, I will have a great year anyway. I am a little nervous about my second choice since I don't really bond very well with that group, but I suppose things will work out. Yeah, somehow. I wish I could go with the new missionaries, but that is not allowed. I could go to the school that they have applied to and study there, but that won't work out so I am told. Oh well. God knows where I am needed. If it is Palawan, well, then, He will need to help me overcome a few more things before I leave. Why Palawan seems to be my only other option, I am not sure, but God sure must have a sense of humor. I have oftentimes thought this too since so many things this past summer have led me to believe that I will never forget some things and that I must move on. I can't really just run and hide- I must confront, even if it is only in my mind. I will leave it at that.

Yeah, I don't really know what mood I am in right now. I am not in a bad mood. Today, God really helped me put my life into perspective. And although I will have to move on and realize somethings, I am happy inside. I do feel I still need to enter into the danger, but then again, is it worth it? I know it might be the "right thing to do," but what does that really mean anyway? Training is going really well. I still have yet to find out where I am going for sure. I am excited though- God will show me where I am needed. I have an awesome roommate and I really hope we end up as partners next year. However, that is in God's hands. I think we complement each other well. I don't know. For some reason I believe we were meant to work together. But anyway, tonight was a little on the awkward side. I guess I have known a lot of this all along, but still I don't really want to confront it. God told me today though that I am free. That I am no longer bound and that I can move on. It felt so wonderful. All I have to do is live up to what that means. I need to start believing that I am free. That is easier said than done. Part of the repercussions of living in chains for so long is that sometimes you have a hard time moving on without of them. Somehow you become attached to these chains. I hate that too. Sorry, I extremely dislike that. (Hate I have been told is too strong of a word and should only be used in reference to such things as sin, a statement such as "I hate sin" is appropriate, however, supposedly I over use the word.) I still miss camp some and especially some of the people I met there, but I am in good spirits. After this last weekend I now appreciate any and every shower that I can get. But yet I still feel like I have a confrontation to make that may take a lot out of me and I don't really think that I am up to it. It is cowardly to back out of it, however in my given situation I see it so many ways. Wow, I really do talk in circles. I guess I never really do come out and say what I really mean. I don't know why that is either. Perhaps it is because being able to understand one of my posts is like being able to decipher a foreign language. I don't want just anyone being able to understand the mass confusion that is wracking my brain. Kiana is a great person though. She is my roommate and I do really hope we are able to go together. I should know by Friday- I hope sooner. But God will reveal in His own timing. I love the fact that I am not tied down to anything. I have no commitments back here in the states. I am excited to leave and maybe am too excited. I know that I am not just running away, but sometimes I wonder. Why do I really feel called to leave? I know that I want to get away from the grasp of my parents and and the chains that seem to hold me back here in the states, but there is more to it than that. God could have called me to so many other places. But He chose to call me here. So here I am. Just existing it seems sometimes. I don't know. I suppose I am tired and should get some sleep, but I don't really feel like it. And since when did I start listening to "my feelings" anyway? What am I, some emotional person? Heck no. I mean yes, sometimes, but I am so used to listening to pure reason. Reason usually dictates so much, but somehow in the end adrenaline fuels more of my decisions than anything else. Such as my decision to go roof climbing with Alex. Reason was telling me to keep both of my feet on solid ground, but my rushing adrenaline told me to go for it. That really is who I am. I listen to my adrenaline I suppose. If something seems crazy and exciting, I go for it. I like the rush, the thrill. Some many things I have done just because of the rush. Such as crossing dead trees over creeks- that are like 10-15 feet below. A nice fall if I screwed up. But since when am I afraid of that? Fear doesn't really drive that part of my life. Fear only gets in my way when I anticipate pain- such as last weekend. Physical pain scares me a little. But I know that God can help me through anything so I shouldn't fear. I should put my complete faith and trust in Him. Well, I know what I should do, but I guess what remains to be seen is whether I will come through on it.

Well, my first day of mission training begins tomorrow. I can't believe I am actually done with camp. Man, time went by really, really fast this summer. Faster that I could have ever imagined. I met a lot of awesome people. I was really sad to leave. I had to say good bye to several people who really meant something to me. I think possibly the hardest part of saying good bye was that I knew, in the back of my mind that I would not see them for a long time. I am not going back to college next year so I am in effect saying good bye for at least a year. It is really tough. Prolly one of the only things that causes me to cry is saying good bye. For me it is super tough. I didn't cry, but my eyes did well up a tad. Yeah, I will miss some of them a lot. And now I am at training. I am a tad bit nervous and somehow I always have this tendency to listen to music to make things worse. Right now I am listening to music from Hero: The Rock Opera. Awesome stuff. Aaron let me copy the CD onto my computer. I am still sick from camp. I have a hacking cough that has lasted for like two weeks. I don't get it. I should be getting better but I guess somewhere in there between the slurpees and jelly bellys and late nights, my body prolly hasn't gotten much of a chance to recover. So I guess I am a little down right now. I miss people, I am trying to piece certain things together and I prolly really need to just relax, but right now I am ready for totally escaping everything that is on my mind. If only I could go out for a run and run very very far away I might be okay. But no, I am stuck here in Berrien Springs for 4 weeks of training. Yeah, I am not disappointed about training or anything only, I miss camp. I saw Tim today, gave him the subwoofer he bought from my brother. I just have so many memories (that were actually good) from this summer. I had fun, I didn't screw up majorly like last summer, and I made a lot of new friends. Pretty much everyone I had a hard time saying good bye to, minus about 3, were "new" this summer (weren't here last summer). I just feel like things went so well, like why couldn't last summer have been this way? Why did I have to go and screw everything up? I have a knack for doing that. I can never seem to just leave things alone and then when I do make mistakes I somehow can never forget them. Wow, I should be really tired, but I am not. I guess I just need to hand the situation over to God. He knows exactly what I need. He knows what will help me the most and what I need to hear. He knows exactly where He wants me to go next year and I know that He will not put anything in my path that He cannot help me handle. Lord, my life is in Your hands.

All right- my day off is on Sunday, not exactly do to choice... but anyway. Oh exciting news, $1560 has been donated to my AFM account. So I am on my way. At any rate camp is going well, I am a Beekman T.O. counselor. (Time off, I take them during lunch and rest period) The Beekmans are mentally handicapped adults that come to camp for a week every summer. I didn't get to choose, but we also have adventurer campers here this week- they are the 8 and 9 year olds (really cute), but the Beekman are fun too- and a handful. Well, my curfew is in like less than 30 min and I really have nothing else to say so I am signing off for the night.

I am in a super great mood. I was able to run a little bit today. I was/am so excited!!! My knee is feeling better. Although I won't go as far to say it is healed, I will say that it is on its way. I have been doing a lot of stretching, and, surprisingly, my legs feel 100% better afterwards- so good that I just had to try and run. Hey Liz, thanks for the postcard. It was awesome.

So well, I am up at camp, typing on my cute little laptop. So a few surprises. Some of which I will fill you in on once they all play out. Can't really say much more to that effect yet. Anyway, it looks to be a good six weeks. I am working high adventure, anyone who doesn't know what that is- ask my friends- all my friends know so I don't see why anyone would ask. At any rate, super sarcastic guy is here for the week- he is always funny. I went up on the high ropes course today for the first time. Cool enough I must say. Well, my battery is about dead so I will charge it and perhaps post a few pictures later from my zoo trip (fun stuff). Mackinac wasn't too bad- my mom spent over $200 on clothes for me- anyway- she wanted to get me cute dressy clothes. I got one blouse from the Grand Hotel even. Well, battery is going quickly; must charge (left computer on for about 5 days in my trunk).

I hate packing. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!!!!! Why am I subjected to such torture? I hate packing so much. I loathe it, I detest it. I put off the heinous chore until there is no time left- like today. My mom said she wants to leave by 2:30 today. Yeah, woke up at 10, starting packing at 11- I have to pack for all of camp and for the Mackinac trip this weekend. I have about 3 hours left. I will get it done, but not because I want to. In just a few days I will be at camp for 7 weeks. I love camp. I get goosebumps just thinking about it. But I must get back to my vile task of packing. ::whines::

You are Ephesians.


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